Last night, I attended a grief ministry at a local church. We listened to a speaker, and then broke up in groups to talk about our experiences and the pain that we are facing. It reminded me what it is like to be in the thick of grief. Grief never goes away. It never technically gets “easier.” However, when you are in the place of trying to grasp what life will be like with this loss and to survive each day without them it feels unbearable. The weight of it knocks you off your feet. I once read somewhere that humans are extremely resilient. We go through unimaginable pain, but yet somehow we survive.
This morning as I sat down to write I fell across this journal entry on my computer. It is dated the summer before I lost my mother. She died later that November. I was in the thick of grief. I asked questions and brought up things that now I have lived through. I definitely did not live through these things without extreme pain, but in them I was still able to experience joy.
I share this entry today for those of you who are in the thick of grief. Not to prove to you that you will make it…that things will get better, but to let you know that I see you. I understand. I still ask these questions and have anxiety wondering how I will make it through certain life events. I will tell you to take a deep breath. Live through each day, each moment, at a time. Give yourself the space to grieve. Cry, scream, ask questions, or whatever you may need.
There was a part of me that wanted to edit this entry. I wanted to make a few changes, so that it would make more sense. I wanted to elaborate. I wanted to delete some of my honesty, but if I did that I am not revealing my unpolished grief. Grief is messy. Grief cannot be perfect. It is a struggle in life that doesn’t ever fully make sense, but I was reminded last night once again of something profound. Sharing your experience and pain, as well as listening to others, helps you not feel so alone.
July 15, 2012
I feel completely numb. There are moments in life that you think you must be dreaming, and that you will eventually wake up where life will be happy and normal again. Well, I am not waking up from this terrible nightmare and I feel numb. I have never felt so confused in my life before. I thought it was difficult growing up without my father. I had so many questions for God…why? It is even more difficult losing the parent who raised you and was there each step of your life. My mother is my best friend. She is the one I go to for everything. I am so scared to lose her. What will my family do without her? Why is this happening? Again…I ask why? I begin to question everything I ever believed in life. Is there a God? Who is He? Where will my precious mother go when she dies?
There are so many future events I have imagined in my life. There will be the days my brothers will graduate and marry. There will be a day when I announce that I am pregnant and give birth to a child. The problem with me imagining these events is that my mother was there. She was one of the main characters. I don’t think I can survive by deleting her for these events. I know life must move on, but how will I?
I have never felt so alone. My pain is extremely deep. God, where are you? Are you even there? I hate watching how frail and weak my mother is. She was always so strong and active. This past week at home was so difficult. My mom and I talked about death, funerals, and God. We don’t understand life and all the hardship we have gone through. It is difficult to keep your faith during trails like these. I feel weak and unfaithful to God. I found my mother’s obituary on her ipad…something I did not want to face until she had finished living her life. She is not finished. I know she is not finished, but why is the cancer finishing her?! I am so frustrated and scared.
My whole future is uncertain. I am supposed to be a pastor? I don’t think I can do it anymore. I have no faith or wisdom. More than anything I just want to be with my family and quit school. I feel so numb…please, wake up Randi! Please, let this all be a dream…a terrible nightmare. Unfortunately, I rather be sleeping to escape the truth of life.