Ever since I was a child, I would journal. It began mostly because I was told it was a way to connect to God. It was a way I could write out my prayers. That space became my therapy room. It was a place I would let all of my emotions out…big and small. It was a place where I would cry out to God for help. My journals helped carry my pain.
When my mom got sick with cancer I poured myself into my journal as I always did. I released all my fear and frustration. I begged God to change the story. I begged Him to heal my mom. When that didn’t happed I stopped writing. Here and there I would return in desperation, but I just couldn’t go there. I couldn’t deal with all my pain…all my grief. I knew if I would write in my journal I would have to face my feelings and face God. This was a hard time for me. It was the darkest time of my life.
This space has been silent for me over the months. There are many outside factors contributing to this. In the last few months, I had a baby with two other young children at home. That alone is enough to take much of your time away. However, I had this baby during a pandemic, where much of my support system has been cut off. Then to top it all off my husband is a small business owner working long hours. Life is a little chaotic right now.
These obvious circumstances are not the only reason I have been silent. I am not writing, because I am grieving. The pain feels too big to deal with. I assume most of us are here even if we can’t put those words to it. I am grieving the life I once knew. I am grieving the freedom I had to go anywhere I wanted. I am grieving the friends and family I can’t be with. I am grieving the help and support I used to have as a mom. I am grieving my oldest son will not be going to kindergarten this year. I am grieving the injustice that people of color have to face. I am grieving the division of this country. I am grieving the jobs lost, people going hungry and kids being stuck in abusive situations. I am grieving the number of positive tests for COVID-19 increasing, as well as the death count. The list could go on. This world seems to be groaning and the weight of the pain feels heavy.
Grieving our pain, lamenting all that we feel, is never a one-time deal. Life is full of loss. Our pain is a journey. We will often find ourselves right where we started. A new loss can trigger and set off your pass trauma as well, pushing you back rather than forward. However, all the work you have put in aides you. It provides the strength you need to endure the next storm. So here I am writing again…trying to become aware of what I am feeling and what I am trying to avoid. It feels heavy. It feels scary, but exactly where I should be.
There was a time I needed to be. I needed to sit in my pain. Now, I need to process it. I no longer can simply find things to comfort it, but I need to be present with all that I feel. I need to mourn the loss. My hope is that you recognize what you are grieving and go to that source that helps you work through it. Whatever that may be for you (walking, talking to a friend, prayer, meditation, creating, counseling) run to it. We can only last so long before the pain begins to overflow.